


Things That Can't Be Said

by skysedge



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Based on the Fiction drama CD, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 20:11:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19730938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skysedge/pseuds/skysedge
Summary: There are things that can't be said, because it's hard to have to know them."Kisaragi Aine," Reiji says clearly. "Do you know who he is?"





	Things That Can't Be Said

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Mikimikicchi on Twitter for Utapri Secret SUMMER. I am very sorry this turned out sad and not summery at all but I was super happy to see someone else who likes ReijiAi/Aine and got carried away ;; I hope you enjoy this!
> 
> Based after the Fiction drama CD in which Reiji discovers Ai is a robot and doesn't take it very well at all. Quote in the summary by Ali Smith.

A few days after the fight and uneasy reconciliation, they talk about it. About how Ai isn't human, about how he's a robot purpose built for success, and Reiji isn't supposed to know. Only now he does know and it _hurts_ and the only conclusion they can reach in those first few days is that nothing can last forever and the whole world is completely ridiculous for putting them in this situation. The talk does more harm than good.  
  
A few days after that they _really_ talk about it. It starts with a drink.  
  
It's Ai that suggests it. After they're done with the interview for the day, he fields the idea that they should 'get some air' at the venue's rooftop bar. Reiji manages to not ask bitterly why a robot needs air and instead agrees and within five minutes they're comfortably seated with expensive cocktails in hand.  
  
The city bustles by below, all chatter and lights and advertising noise. It's surreal, Reiji thinks, how life just goes on like this, how it's never even slowed not even for a moment. If he were to die he knows the world wouldn't skip a beat. And Ai, well Ai could just be switched off, right? Like a desktop PC. Like a broken microwave. How _stupid_.  
  
They're not talking, just drinking in silence and staring out across the city. All Reiji can see of Ai in his peripheral vision is the soft colour of his hair, the paleness of his skin. He speaks on impulse.  
  
"Aine."  
  
Ai doesn't jump. Maybe he isn't programmed to do that. But he does turn his eyes slowly on Reiji and tilt his head almost imperceptibly to the side, uncertain. Reiji grips his glass so hard it might shatter but doesn't lose his nerve.  
  
"Kisaragi Aine," he says clearly. "Do you know who he is?"  
  
"An idol, once partnered with Otonami Kei," Ai says straight away, voice calm and precise as it always is when he's sharing facts. "Graduates of Shining Academy, they were largely successful and popular up until Kisaragi's disappearance. The media considers it an unsolved but closed mystery. Why?"  
  
"Right," Reiji says, ignoring the question. His heart is thundering just from the sound of Aine's name in this voice but he can't back down now. "And what does he look like?"  
  
"My data is as follows. Eye colour similar to that described as 'cyan'. Shoulder length hair of the same, commonly worn down," Ai begins to list. His eyes are wide as if he wishes he could stop. "One-hundred and seventy-eight centimetres tall. Slim. No evidence of cosmetic surgery."  
  
Reiji snorts a little at the last. Aine would have rather chewed off his own arm than pander to the masses by changing his face. He swirls the liquid in his glass, ice-cubes clinking together, eyes still on Ai. Ai himself is silent again, expectant, still holding that bird like tilt of his head. It's probably cruel, tormenting him like this. But it's cruel to keep secrets, too. He can stand to be unfair just a little.  
  
'Exactly," he says at last, voice cheerful as always but smile with an edge of steel. "Does that remind you of anyone, Ai-Ai?"  
  
"No."  
  
A bare faced lie. Reiji actually laughs, the sound brittle. He looks back out at the view for a moment as if he's going to drop the subject and only when he sees Ai stop staring at him does he speak again.  
  
"What is his favourite food?"  
  
"Tantanmen," Ai answers immediately. "Because of the spice. And drinking melon soda in secret."  
  
Reiji turns in time to see Ai's eyes widen as he realises his mistake.  
  
"Oh," Ai breathes. "I..."  
  
To Ai's credit, he doesn't formulate an excuse or another lie. To Reiji's credit, he manages to keep hold of his glass and not throw it at the ground, or scream, or cry. He's suspected, oh yes he's always _suspected_ , ever since he first laid eyes on Mikaze Ai. When they had fought he had been too overwhelmed to bring it up, already reeling with the revelation of Ai's nature, holding off out of self-preservation. But he can't do that now, not anymore. Reiji lets his perpetual trademark smile fall.  
  
"You're not him," he says quietly, almost hopefully. "Are you?"  
  
Ai sets his glass down on the table before answering, expression almost perfectly blank. He smooths his hands down the lapels of his jacket, pulls his ponytail tighter. Every movement is precise and measured. Because of this, Reiji knows the answer before it comes. Aine had always been clumsy.  
  
"No. I'm not."  
  
That could be it. Should be. Reiji should bury the festering doubts he's always had and try to move on, just like the city. And then Ai speaks again and changes everything for the second time in a week.  
  
"But sometimes I think I am."  
  
Reiji watches as Ai holds a hand up before himself, turns it from side to side as if wondering how it had come to be there.  
  
"A processing error," he continues. "Probably, at times of high emotion. Based on past data, statistically this is more probable to happen around you."  
  
How can a robot feel emotion? How can a machine think it's a person that's been missing for years? And why _this_ person, why does Reiji have to be involved at all? His throat is dry and his chest is tight.  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"No," Ai agrees. "You wouldn't."  
  
"What's-"  
  
"Both Shining Saotome and Dr Kisaragi decided that it was better for you to not know."  
  
It's like a punch to the gut; Reiji feels sick and angry at once. He slams his glass down on the table and opens his mouth to shout when Ai continues, outwardly unphased.  
  
"I agree with them. Your emotional wellbeing is important."  
  
Reiji's 'emotional wellbeing' is a mess and always has been. He gives a breathless laugh and forces himself to lean back in his chair, breathes in and out slowly until his vision stops swimming. There's so many questions and so few answers, so many wounds that haven't healed. Ai doesn't understand. How could he, with a heart made of wires? If he wants answers, Reiji needs to break this down simply.  
  
"That's why I want to know," he says. "Even if it's bad. It can't make it worse than it already is. "  
  
"It's inadvisable," Ai tells him, folding his arms and curling his hands around his elbows. He glances up from under his lashes and adds, "plus I was told not to tell you."  
  
Reiji raises an eyebrow.  
  
"Do you always do as you're told?"

  
  
_"Do you always do as you're told?"_  
  
_Aine asks this with his lips pressed to Reiji's ear, tone dangerous and low. It's past three in the morning and they're barricaded in one of the academy's practice rooms, have been there since midnight. Aine had somehow procured a few bottles of wine and had coaxed Reiji out here to drink and laugh and dance while everyone else is sleeping._  
  
_The only light comes from an old stage lamp they've placed on the teacher's desk but it's enough, enough for Reiji to see just how beautiful Aine really is, enough for Aine to laugh at the way Reiji blushes when they first hold hands. That had been hours ago. Since then they have climbed onto the tables and danced to tinny music blasting from Reiji's headphones on the floor, have sung and swayed together, have done almost everything they've been told not to do._  
  
_Almost. Aine tangles a hand in Reiji's hair and he knows in an instant that he'll always keep it long after this and that he's about to break that very last rule. Reiji closes his eyes and his heartbeat stutters._  
  
_"Look at me, Reiji," Aine murmurs as he leans in, a perfect guiltless narcissist. "Look only at me."_  


  
  
"Look at me."  
  
It sounds different in Ai's voice. Softer. Less of a demand and more of a plea. Brought back to the present, Reiji takes a moment to really look at the machine masquerading as a man sitting across from him and is shocked to find sadness in his expression.  
  
"Ai?"  
  
"I don't want you to only think of him when you see me," Ai says slowly. "That's what they do, already. I don't want that."  
  
He sounds sincere. It's this that dries the words up in Reiji's mouth. While he's tongue-tied his mind throbs with questions. He has no real idea of what's going on, or why, what's happened to Aine, how Ai can even exist. He also knows that he won't get any of those answers. When Ai has made up his mind about something he's impossible to sway. And, ultimately, Reiji can't stand seeing him even remotely sad. Whether it's because he's too much like Aine or because of how dear he is to Reiji in his own right, he's not sure.  
  
It's not fair. None of it.  
  
For a time they watch one another, at an impasse. The melting ice in Reiji's glass gives a musical clink. Ai's hair blows softly in the breeze and he makes no move this time to correct it.  
  
"Okay," Reiji says at last.."Answer just one question, then."  
  
"I can't disclose anything that-"  
  
"Is Aine going to come back?"  
  
Ai stops speaking immediately. He turns his large eyes up to the sky, his lips turning down at the corners. He's beautiful - that's without a doubt. Usually it's too difficult for Reiji to see that passed the ghosts in his mind. He needs an answer, needs an end for all this, even if he's terrified.  
  
"Is there any chance that I'll be able to speak with him again?" he asks carefully.  
  
Ai keeps looking at the sky and answers in a voice just above a whisper, as if it's hard for him to say.  
  
"That is the desired outcome. But the probability of success is...minimal."  
  
Not impossible but improbable. Bittersweet. Reiji breathes in and all he can taste is ash.  
  
"Can you just say 'no'?" he begs weakly.  
  
"No."  
  
  


_"No."_  
  
_Aine rolls down the window of his car even further and leans out. His eyes are bright and clear as they always are when he's furious. Standing on the sidewalk, Reiji takes an involuntary step back._  
  
_"What did you say?" Aine hisses._  
  
_"I said no, Aine. Not today."_  
  
_"Why not?"_  
  
_Because Reiji is scheduled for a live radio broadcast in half an hour. Because he's running on two hours sleep and too many coffees. Because as much as he aches to spend time with Aine he wants to spend it properly, not in a rush, not when Aine is like this._  
  
_"We have responsibilities," he says, keeping his voice light and his small smile in tact._  
  
_"C'mon," Aine coaxes, winking and lowering his voice in the way he knows makes Reiji melt. "It's just a drive to the coast. It'll be romantic I promise."_  
  
_The last time they had gone to the beach, Aine had watched the ocean with such a sad depth to his eyes that Reiji had held him as tightly as possibly in case the waves took him away. That had been two months ago. He can't remember the last time they had been able to do anything romantic, anything other than rushed rendezvous backstage, stolen kisses and desperate caresses in dark corners._  
  
_He wants more than that. They both do. But..._  
  
_"We can't," he protests weakly. Aine's smile disappears completely._  
  
_"Your career is more important huh?" he murmurs._  
  
_"It's not like that."_  
  
_"I dont give a damn if I crash and burn."_  
  
_"Don't say that."_  
  
_"I'll say whatever I want," Aine snaps, turning back to his steering wheel and revving the engine. "You used to like that."_  
  
_Reiji stands on the sidewalk for minutes after the car is out of sight. He turns off his phone to stop himself calling and begging for forgiveness. Aine will bounce back. He always does. It's not like he would ever do anything stupid._  
  
_He's not like that._  


  
  
"Reiji?"  
  
The memory fades and Reiji finds Ai crouched next to his chair, one hand resting lightly on his arm. And his face is the same, every detail a perfect replica, but the energy is all wrong. Ai is measured and careful, logical and dependable with just an edge of melancholy. Reiji stares at Ai's hand on his arm and when he speaks his voice trembles.  
  
"You're not him."  
  
"No," Ai says softly.  
  
"So apologising to you won't mean anything."  
  
His voice cracks on the last word and he hates it, hates how he's just the same as he was all those years ago. Ai trails his hand hesitantly down Reiji's arm and then laces their fingers together.  
  
"It's not your fault," Ai says and his voice is so gentle that Reiji's chest twists and he goes to shake his head. "It's _not_. He had a support network that consisted of many people, not just you."  
  
Ai knows everything. Of course he knows. And suddenly it doesn't matter how or why, if he can give Reiji any answers at all then he'll take them no matter what the cost. He closes his eyes and grips Ai's hand so tightly it'll leave a bruise. Or won't. He doesn't know any more.  
  
"He called me," he murmurs.  
  
"But-"  
  
"Did he call anyone else?"  
  
Ai hesitates, Reiji can hear him take and hold a breath. He doesn't need to hear the answer after that.  
  
"He didn't."  
  
Reiji gives a hollow laugh.  
  
"You could have lied to make me feel better," he says.  
  
"I can't tell you everything," Ai answers and his voice is uncertain enough that Reiji opens his eyes. "But I don't _want_ to lie to you."  
  
There's a strange sort of innocence in the colour of Ai's irises that had never shone in Aine's even though the shade is exactly the same. Ai is earnest. Whether that emotion is digital or otherwise, Reiji can see that for him it's very real. He relaxes his grip, forces himself to lean back in his chair, takes a few measured breaths.  
  
Glancing at his abandoned drink he sees that the ice has melted completely, the remains of condensation spreading from the glass across the table. The world has gone on while they've been talking.  
  
"Now I know for sure you're not him," he says. "Aine was a chronic liar."  
  
Every second of every day has taken him a step further away from Aine. And every moment seems to be carrying him closer to Ai. Ai is now holding his hand securely and leaning his cheek against Reiji's arm and he's every bit as warm and comforting as a real person. If truth makes a person real then Ai is more real than Aine had ever been. Perhaps Reiji has been chasing a fantasy from the beginning.  
  
It's difficult to raise his free hand and touch the backs of his fingers to Ai's cheek. Difficult but not impossible.  
  
"You miss him," Ai says, once he has. There's no point in lying.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"You loved him."  
  
"Yeah. I did."  
  
"Do you think it's possible for you to love me?"  
  
For a long time now, Reiji hasn't thought it possible to love anything. He sings of love, speaks of passion and romance, but the inside of his heart echoes and gathers dust. He learned to lie from the best of them. But _oh_ , how much he wants to feel it again, to lose himself in another. Ai is watching him patiently, expression the same as always. Ai is a mystery but somehow he's sure that there's nothing to fear. Still a ghost stands between them.  
  
"I don't know," he says honestly. "Can you promise not to leave?"  
  
Ai shakes his head with a smile. They've already spoken of this, of impermanence, of humans and machines.  
  
"I can't," Ai says.  
  
Anything else would be a lie.

  
  
  
_"I can't. I can't do it."_  
  
_When Aine disappears, he takes every colour with him. Reiji wanders alone in a grey world filled with grey people, every voice a whisper, every radio turned to static. It isn't living. It's barely even existing. When he's asked to be part of a new group it seems impossible._  
  
_And then they walk into the room. A rocker, a prince and someone who isn't Aine. God, how he looks it, the sharpness of his stare, the softness of his voice. At first Reiji is dizzy with confusion, sure he's dreaming. But the moment passes as Ai Mikaze was introduced, a stranger, one Reiji will do his best to get to know just like the others. He isn't going to let madness destroy him. Not yet._  
  
_And it isn't an epiphany or a sudden resurrection, it's a slow and painful process, like blood trickling back into numb limbs, pins and needles in his heart. Before he realises it he's seeing in colour again, listening when people speak, and music,_ music _, is the rainbow on which he is relearning to walk._  
  
_He's asked to stick with them for a while. Three difficult people with difficult lives. It's crazy. But somehow it works. In the end he's the one that takes the lead and is the first to sign the contract with a smile._  
  
_"Okay."_

  
  
"Okay."  
  
They've all changed since then. Become kinder and wiser and maybe a little more bitter too. But it works, the world keeps turning and the music keeps playing and his heart hasn't stopped beating yet.  
  
"That's okay," he says again, more clearly. Ai blinks at him in surprise.  
  
"It...is?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
One day, Ai is going to leave. One day, this feeling will come to an end. He'll be ready when it does. Better to be haunted by a ghost of an earnest attempt than by regret.  
  
"Is it okay if I try to love you?"  
  
When Ai smiles the noise of the city fades away completely. Reiji holds his hand tightly and smiles back. And all around the confusing, nonsense world keep moving on and on and on.  
  



End file.
